Welcome

Welcome to the Church of the Smashing Orangey Bit! We all have questions:

  • Who am I?
  • Why am I here?
  • What happens when I die?
  • What is the tastiest snack in existence?

Explore the purpose of life and discover McVities’ plan for you through the restored teachings of Jaffa Cakes. From the beginning of time, McVities has provided a way for His children to find answers to life's great questions. Discovering the answers to these questions will give us greater purpose and lead us back to Jaffa Cakes.

The Church of the Smashing Orangey Bit uses the teachings of Jaffacakeology to connect you with your Creator. Members of the church hold the Holy Jaffable as their sacred text, and try to live their lives by its teachings.

The key tenets of Jaffacakeology are:

  • We believe in the one true McVities, accept no substitutes.
  • We believe that @cmkempe is our prophet, delivered to us by McVities to provide romantic erotica.
  • We believe that Jaffa Cakes are the most delicious snack.
  • We believe that all people of every creed (except Norwegians), color, gender, and sexual orientation go to Heaven, but only those who accept Jaffa Cakes as their Lord and Saviour go to the Land of the Eternal Jaffa, a kind of super Heaven that has a water slide.
  • We believe that in stark contradiction to the above, if you are a really naughty person you will suffer for all eternity in Norway.

How do I join the church?

Joining the church is easy! All you need to do is say this prayer out loud and in your heart:

Lord McVities, I have sinned against You and Your smashing orangey creation. I repent my sins. I ask You to come into my mouth and wash me with Your smashing orangey bits. I make Jaffa Cakes my Lord and Savior.

Oh Lord McVities, You are now more than my God; You're my smashing orangey Father and I'm going to serve You all the days of my life. Jaffa Cakes are Lord.

JaffAmen.

Saying this prayer automatically enrolls you into the Church of the Smashing Orangey Bit and is legally binding in the US, UK, Australia, and Austria as well as territories and embassies of these states.

Once a Smashing Orangey Bit (Jaffalot), the member cannot ever leave and is obligated to tithe $20 to the church on or before the 31st December each year. Cheques are made payable to High Priestess John Reed Braden.