Jaffasis 1

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  1. In the beginning McVities created the Jaffa and the Cake.
  2. And the cake was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the dough. And the Spirit of McVities moved upon the face of the cake mixture.
  3. And McVities said, Let there be light sponge, and there was light sponge.
  4. And McVities saw the light sponge, that it was good: and McVities divided the light sponge from the darkness of the chocolate.
  5. And McVities called the light sponge "base", and the dark chocolate they called "coating". And the base and coating were the first attempt.
  6. And McVities said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the cake, and let it divide the base from the coating, except along the edges of the cake.
  7. And McVities made the firmament, and divided the base under the firmament from the coating above the firmament: and it was so.
  8. And McVities called the firmament "filling". And the base, coating, and filling were the second attempt.
  9. And McVities said, Let the waters under the chocolate coating be gathered together into the filling, and let the filling become jelly: and it was so.
  10. And McVities called the jelly filling "The Smashing Orangey Bit"; and McVities saw that it was indeed smashing.
  11. And McVities said, Let the cake bring forth a biscuity texture, yet still be called a cake, in order to confuse VAT lawyers for millennia to come: and it was so.
  12. And the cake brought forth a biscuity texture, and all jaffa cakes brought forth after their kind, and McVities saw that it was good.
  13. And the base, coating, smashing orangey bit, and VAT-confusing texture was the first true Jaffa Cake.
  14. And McVities said, Let there be awesome flavourings in the jelly filling, so that the people may wonder "Is it not actually apricot tinted with tangerine oil?", and let the list of ingredients be the sign.
  15. So that when the list of ingredients is read, the truth of the smashing orangey bit is revealed: and it was so.
  16. And McVities made two great lists; the greater list to describe the nutritional value, and the lesser list to describe the ingredients of the jaffa cake: they made the best before date also.
  17. And McVities set them upon the packaging to give information about the cakes.
  18. And to rule over the lawsuits and court rulings which were to come: and McVities saw that it was good.
  19. And the base, coating, smashing orangey bit, VAT-confusing texture, nutritional values, and list of ingredients were the final product.
  20. And McVities said, Let life not dwell within the smashing orangey bit, since people do not expect that when eating a Jaffa Cake.
  21. And McVities created a factory in Wales to produce such Jaffa Cakes, that they be clean of life and ready for consumption: and McVities saw that it was good.
  22. And McVities blessed the factory, saying, Be fruitful with the smashing orangey bit, and multiple the number of cakes made per minute, so that they may cover the Earth and bring forth great profits for the company.
  23. And the Jaffa Cakes, factory, and production plan were the first company.
  24. And McVities said, Let us bring forth cattle to help harvest oranges for the smashing orangey bit, and to keep creeps from Cadbury from stealing the secret recipe.
  25. And McVities bought cattle from a third-world country in order to save money, and refused to participate in fair trade, since this would have created great uneasiness amongst the shareholders.
  26. And McVities said, lo, we have a smashing product, now we need a smashing company, made in our image, after our likeliness, and let them have dominion over the production of the Jaffa Cakes, so that they become great like us.
  27. So McVities created a company in their own image, in the image of McVities they created it; with male and female board members to escape recent laws against sexism.
  28. And McVities blessed them, and said unto them, Be fruitful with advertising campaigns, and multiply profits, and replenish the Earth with cakes, and have dominion over all biscuit and cake companies, for you have combined both in the Jaffa Cake.
  29. And McVities said, Behold, we have given you a product and a company, and every tree that yields oranges shall be used by you to create the smashing orangey bit.
  30. And to every human of the Earth, wherein there is a craving for smashing orangey bits, you shall deliver the Jaffa Cakes.
  31. And McVities saw every thing that they had made, and, behold, it was very good, nay, it was smashing. And the Jaffa Cakes, company, board of directors (male and female), and advertising campaigns were the final company.
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